Sunday 12 August 2018

Polydogg! I am become vegan. Or sort of. Apart from the dead sheep. Oh, and here's some music

It is the summer country show season in Shetland, and I, Zetdogg, have been banned
from attending any or all said events after that incident at Cunningsburgh two years ago
with the chickens.

It was self defence! That cockerel was a psychopath, and pushy with it. Cocky in fact. 
He  will undoubtedly come to a bad end, hopefully one involving soup and cushions. 
Although it is obviously important not to mix the two up. That way confusion, disaster, 
indeed indigestion lies.

Not to worry, as there has been a great deal of activity here in the People’s Republic 
of Northmavine, deep in the upper digestive tract of the Greater Zetlandics, and the 
top news is...I am become vegan! Or vegetarian. Or at least, I ate a lettuce leaf the other 
day by accident. Although I think there was a caterpillar on it to provide at least a 
semblance of protein. I can still feel it wriggling. Which is nice. Slow release protein!

This veganism stuff  is all due to the household’s current obsession with growing 
inanimate matter, or vegetation as I understand it is called, and excitement about the local
health centre’s new polytunnel thingy (actually, it’s made of hard plastic so it doesn’t blow 
away in one of our mild Zetlandic zephyrs), which is called a Polycrub. 

It’s meant to be therapeutic, which I suppose means some people actually enjoy 
digging in the earth with their little trowels and then watering the green objects which 
subsequently, magically appear. This supposedly provides calmness and serenity, leading to mental health.

Personally, I find chasing Rottweilers, or otters works every bit as well.

I have been observing this vegetation, and some pieces of under- or overgrowth can 
even change colour, turning red, almost as if they were tomatoes or suppurating boils. 
I know, I know, it all sounds very unlikely. 

And I mean, it all appears so artificial to me. Contrived. 
What is nature for? What is the rain for? If you didn’t have plants inside a polytunnel, then 

The rain would get at them naturally. And the snow. 

Most odd.

At any rate, having consumed said lettuce leaf (seasoned with the aforemention bug of 
some sort) I went nosing around the beach and - oh joy! - discovered a dead sheep in the
kind of advanced state of decay I find particularly appealing. I rolled happily in 
its noisome innards for a good 10 minutes until the Human Companion noticed, 
and I managed to snatch a couple of mouthfuls of aged once-mutton before
I was hauled away. Tasty maggots abounded too! If only these vegans knew what they 
were missing.

Wonderfully, I have been vomiting now for three days! Isn’t life grand! 

(And by the way, here's some of the self-indulgent nattering the Human Companion 
insists on placing online,  along with unlistenable yowling from so-called 'musicians'):

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